DEFEATED

I feel defeated. Like nothing I do is right. I dont know what it is, but Grayson has been SUPER fussy and needy this week. Is it teething? Could be, but how do you really know? Aren't they always teething? IS it the "I want my mommy phase"? Maybe, because when I put him in the play pen and walk away, he cries. I have to sneak out when he turns the other way so I can go to the bathroom real quick before he notices. Why are you waking up so darn early? Do I need to drop the last nap? We kind of tried that a few weeks ago and it didnt really work out. Do we need to try again? Is it because you are learning you cant always have it your way. Maybe. This last part leaves me in tears too. When I tell Grayson "no" or "we dont do that" in my regular voice, he laughs at me. He thinks its funny. But when I tell Grayson "no" or "we dont do that" in a deep raised voice, he cries. Then I cry. I feel like THE worse person in the world when I do that. I know its parenting, but really? At 6 months? I know I have to start now because he is starting to go for things that could hurt him. He also cries when I take away his toys because its time to eat. I must be strong. Sometimes I think would life be easier if I was working and he was in "school". It's always greener on the other side, right? But then he'll smile so big or laugh so hard, and I know that I wouldnt want to be anywhere else, but right here on the floor chasing after him. And here I am getting teary eyed again. My mom tells me everyday that babies are unpredictable and constantly changing. She tells me to just go with the flow. She's been telling me that since day 1 and here we are almost 7 months later and I still havent figured out how to just "go with the flow". I'm getting better. Usually when we have days of fussiness, I go through all the baby books I have or google "why is my baby crying". I havent opened any baby books yet, although I did order the second babywise and its sitting on our coffee table. I dont know how my mom did it. They came to the US when I was 1 and didnt know english or have any money. Then my sister came along and she didnt have help. She had to work 7 days a week, then come home to take care of me and my sister. I need to channel her strength. I love Grayson more than anything. Grayson and Adam make my heart full, but sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner and hide. Maybe now would be the time to go schedule that massage, mani and pedi......