weight

Pre-baby, I struggled with weight for the longest time before finally just accepting my body for what it was. I thought in order to be pretty I had to be the typical size 0 Asian. In reality, my body was just not made that way. I don't have a speedy metabolism and I LOVE LOVE FOOD. I'm tall, big boned and I've got a big bootay that I sometimes feel could rival Kim Kardashian. I probably struggled with feeling good about my body throughout most of college and probably into my late 20s. I think the 2 times I was the skinniest was at my wedding and right before I got pregnant with Grayson. I have no idea what my weight was because ironically, I didnt care about numbers at that time and never stepped on a scale. I just remember those were the only two times people commented about my weight.

I thought putting on weight while I was pregnant would be the best thing in the world. I mean, at what other point in my life would I have an excuse as to why I was getting fat. I was wrong. It was great at first...until the numbers just kept climbing....20lbs, 30lbs, 40lbs. I dont even remember how many weeks I was at when I had passed the "average healthy pregnancy weight gain".

They were discussing Jessica Simpson's weight gain on the Today show yesterday and it really hit me. I think we gained about the same amount. Although I dont know exactly how much weight I gained, I think its around 65lbs. I know the number was well over 200 only cause I accidentally saw on the scale. My doctor never commented on my weight. She said as long as everything was ok, then I could stop worrying. At some point, I told the nurses to just please stop saying my weight outloud and to cover up the numbers. It was the other doctors and nurses I had to see that would say, "Do you know how much weight you've gained?" Do you know how that makes a pregnant girl feel????? Hormones.

Everyone kept saying, "Oh the weight will come off cause you're breastfeeding." Not true here. I felt like I was eating all the time while I was breastfeeding. I dont think I've ever felt worse about myself. I absolutely hated looking at myself in the mirror everyday. It didnt help that I had nothing to wear. I went from a size 4 (before baby) to a size 10 (after baby). I cant even believe I've written all the numbers out. It almost feels freeing. I'm not going to lie, knowing that I could stop eating so much did help me make my decision to quit breastfeeding. I've got to be both physically and mentally healthy to take care of Grayson, right?

So here we are, Grayson is about to turn 9 months and I have 8 lbs to lose. I've been stuck at 8lbs for a few weeks now. I'm able to fit into my old jeans, but it aint pretty. I can fit into some old tops and dresses. I'm finally starting to feel better about myself. Better, not good. There are times when I look in the mirror and feel disgusted, but better is an improvement. I am writing it all out so I can remind myself what I am working towards when I want to take a bite into that chocolate cupcake. Sure there are times to indulge, but I need to remind myself I dont need to stuff my face in order to enjoy it.