My heart is breaking

My heart is breaking tonight because Adam and I had to make a tough decision.





We have decided we have to give Chloe up. Tonight while Grayson and Chloe were playing she snapped at him. It all happened so quickly. I was getting ready to take a picture because it was so cute and all of a sudden, Chloe was up, had growled, barked and snapped at his face.

I feel like we are abandoning our first child. It is breaking my heart.

I keep wondering what Chloe is going to think when she realizes that she won't see Adam or me or Grayson. I know she may have snapped but she loves little g. She was licking his face right before it happened.

Don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight.

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DEFEATED

I feel defeated. Like nothing I do is right. I dont know what it is, but Grayson has been SUPER fussy and needy this week. Is it teething? Could be, but how do you really know? Aren't they always teething? IS it the "I want my mommy phase"? Maybe, because when I put him in the play pen and walk away, he cries. I have to sneak out when he turns the other way so I can go to the bathroom real quick before he notices. Why are you waking up so darn early? Do I need to drop the last nap? We kind of tried that a few weeks ago and it didnt really work out. Do we need to try again? Is it because you are learning you cant always have it your way. Maybe. This last part leaves me in tears too. When I tell Grayson "no" or "we dont do that" in my regular voice, he laughs at me. He thinks its funny. But when I tell Grayson "no" or "we dont do that" in a deep raised voice, he cries. Then I cry. I feel like THE worse person in the world when I do that. I know its parenting, but really? At 6 months? I know I have to start now because he is starting to go for things that could hurt him. He also cries when I take away his toys because its time to eat. I must be strong. Sometimes I think would life be easier if I was working and he was in "school". It's always greener on the other side, right? But then he'll smile so big or laugh so hard, and I know that I wouldnt want to be anywhere else, but right here on the floor chasing after him. And here I am getting teary eyed again. My mom tells me everyday that babies are unpredictable and constantly changing. She tells me to just go with the flow. She's been telling me that since day 1 and here we are almost 7 months later and I still havent figured out how to just "go with the flow". I'm getting better. Usually when we have days of fussiness, I go through all the baby books I have or google "why is my baby crying". I havent opened any baby books yet, although I did order the second babywise and its sitting on our coffee table. I dont know how my mom did it. They came to the US when I was 1 and didnt know english or have any money. Then my sister came along and she didnt have help. She had to work 7 days a week, then come home to take care of me and my sister. I need to channel her strength. I love Grayson more than anything. Grayson and Adam make my heart full, but sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner and hide. Maybe now would be the time to go schedule that massage, mani and pedi......

Grayson 6 months

December and January have been kind of crazy. Grayson got his bottom two teeth. The first one broke through on December 14 with a second one breaking through the following week. Then we celebrated Grayson's first Christmas with an ear infection. Poor little guy was so congested, he couldnt breathe through his nose. That was an exhausting 3 weeks. He didnt nap and wasnt really eating because he couldnt breathe. There was lots and lots of crying. One of the best purchases I have made so far is this:

You stick the tube right outside of the nostril and suck out the snot. BEST INVENTION EVER. The little bulbs they give you at the hospital are worthless. When Grayson got sick, we all got sick. After his cold cleared up, I got hit with the stomach virus. Thankfully, we are all happy and healthy now.

At 6 months, Grayson does not sit still. Try having him sit in your lap and reading to him and you'll find it impossible. He either wants to climb all over you or eat the book. I tried taking a picture of him with his lion friend and they all came out blurry cause he doesnt stay still.



We started formula and he loves his solids. He loves pears, apples, bananas, avocados, peas, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, oatmeal, fish and congee (a Chinese soupy rice). He dislikes carrots and chicken. We'll revisit those again soon, but right now I do not have the patience to try to feed those to him again.

We decided to take Grayson to the park for some pictures. Once again, most of them came out blurry because he is constantly moving.

First time in a swing:
First time down the slide:



He is pooping regularly, but hates diaper changes. Try changing a poopy diaper with legs and arms all over the place. You have to be prepared.

Sometime during the week he turned 6 months, he learned how to army crawl. That 100% is the reason why he doesnt stay still:

When we were taking pictures, he kept going after the lens cap. His favorite toys now are Chloe, Chloe's bones, house slippers and door stoppers.

His little (more like BIG) personality is shining through. He is very determined/stubborn. Wont stop until he gets what he wants. I need to start distinguishing his "I am really in pain" cry versus " I am crying because you wont give me what I want". He loves to play and laugh. It's so fun watching him interact with other babies too.

I feel liberated.

Ahhhhh.......

That's me on my way to feeling liberated. I was hit with the stomach virus about two weeks ago. I couldn't hold down water for two days and I couldn't eat for five. Needless to say my milk supply greatly decreased.

I have been debating for weeks what I wanted to do about breastfeeding. I was torn. I know it's the best for him, but I was starting to resent it. It. Not him. I haven't been nursing him for a few months now. Only pumping. So imagine, just sitting there for 25 mins attached to a machine with no place to go...4 times a day, sometimes 6 or 7 if I was trying to increase my supply.

After I recovered from the stomach virus, I spent three days pumping 6 times a day for 25 mins each. After being unsuccessful, I decided it was time to just go ahead and wean to formula. Now I only pump 3 times a day for 10 mins each. SO HAPPY! I gave breastfeeding a go for 6 months when I was ready to quit back at 1 month.

I dont know why society makes us feel so bad about not breastfeeding. We just have to do whats right for us and not judge others on their decision.

Working on some 6 month Grayson pics and will post more soon!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

5 months!

How can G be 5 months already?!?! My sister just got back her wedding pictures and we talked about how much he has changed. That was just a month and a half ago! He looked like a little baby then.
Now he's a little man:


Grayson is a drooling fool. I change his clothes at least 3 times a day. He is also rolling around like crazy. He's not very good at rolling from Point A to Point B, but he is constantly rolling from tummy to back or back to tummy. He doesnt stay still.

Getting ready to flip:I think he is trying to crawl, but I'm not entirely sure. I feel like its a little bit too soon. I am constantly finding him in this position rocking back and forth:



Getting him down for a nap is still a challenge, but at least he naps. We just moved to a 4 hr schedule and I hope it continues that way for at least a few more days. Then I'm sure he'll throw in a fussy day because of teething or something else. He also gets solids twice a day. We've tried avocados, bananas, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, oatmeal and rice cereal. This kid just wants to eat and eat. No wonder he is so big! Sometimes I wonder if I dont limit his food, will he push the spoon away on his own?

He is also starting to learn how to sit:

So excited for Christmas. I may or may not have gone a little overboard buying him some clothes ;)

19 and 20 weeks

I am going to try my best to blog about Grayson every week so if there is a next baby I will kind of know what to expect. The last two weeks have been a little stressful. Grayson's a pretty happy baby. He doesnt get fussy until he is overtired or hungry like all babies do. He's also been sleeping pretty well since he was 2 months old. At two months he would sleep 8 hours and then around 3 months, he started sleeping 11 hours a night. All that has changed. The last two weeks, he's woken up a couple of times in the middle of the night. He also has started waking up around 5:30 am. The only thing that I can think of that is making him wake up earlier is he started taking longer naps. He takes about two- 2 hr naps and 2-45 min naps if we're at home. He use to never sleep past 30 mins. Grayson has also been rolling over. First, he learned tummy to back and then back to tummy. For some reason, he decided yesterday he was going to start rolling from tummy to back when I put him in his crib. He cant sleep on his back. He wants to play with his feet and grab at his shirt. He'll do that until he is overtired and then scream and cry. He did that for every nap and bedtime yesterday. We had to let him cry it out for an hour last night. I hope this only last a couple of days.

Here is a picture of Grayson at two months on his tummy with his blue superman shirt:

Here he is in the same shirt at 4 and a half months:
Cant believe how different he looks!

Here is he cheering on the Ags on Thanksgiving day:
First taste of banana:
Grayson's thighs are so big they get stuck in the bumbo.

Four months!

Can't believe Grayson is 4 months! I know I say that every month. Time is flying. I didn't even realize Thanksgiving is next week.



At four months, Grayson is weighing in at 15 lbs 13 ozs and 25 inches. He is what you call a healthy baby :)

The pediatrician gave us the go ahead for solids. We started out with avocado and rice cereal. He is still trying to get the hang of eating from a spoon.


Most of it ends up on him. Speaking of pediatrician. We switched and I am so happy. At the old doctor I always felt nervous, uncomfortable and stupid for asking so many questions. Our new doctor plays with Grayson and spends so much time making sure we understand everything and have all our questions answered. Thank goodness!





He loves playing with his feet!